


What could have been

by uselesslesbiantrash



Category: His Dark Materials (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Caring Mary Malone, F/F, Friendship, Marisa Coulter Needs a Hug, Past Relationship(s), Religious Conflict, Science, Single Parents, Young Lyra Belacqua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselesslesbiantrash/pseuds/uselesslesbiantrash
Summary: What if Marisa Coulter had escaped through a window with baby Lyra, what if she landed in an Oxford much like her own, what if the first person she ran into was a northern Irish redheaded woman? What could she achieve in this world without out all the limitations of her sex?
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Mary Malone, Marisa Coulter & Marisa Coulter's Daemon, Marisa Coulter & Mary Malone, Marisa Coulter/Mary Malone, Mary Malone & Marisa Coulter's Daemon
Comments: 15
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

Marisa knew fear, she knew what it was like to be fearful of her own life, she had done that countless times, but this? This was different, this was a new fear, a maternal fear. This was for Lyra. 

"Come on darling, it's okay. We're okay." She hums softly to the bundle of white cotton blankets that concealed her daughter, who has started a whiperish cry. 

She was running as fast as she could, she wasn't sure where she was going she just was going. She'd abandoned her shoes somewhere along the snowy trek, some lucky passersby could sell her expensive heels for whatever they liked, and the cold and wet were almost too much to bear on her stocking covered feet. She kept her bag, clung to her chest with her golden monkey sat inside, it was on one hand incase they needed an escape that was beyond the demon normality and on the other without her all too distinctive daemon she'd be harder to recognize. 

She was about to give up, about to pile up in a heap of failure on the soft snow but then she saw it. It wasn't much, just a small glimmer in between some trees but it felt like a lifeline. She sprinted the last few meters before reaching it. The window, her godsend. Tentatively she puts her hand in the gap between the trees and watches it disappear, without much time to think she launches herself through this gap and finds herself in an Oxford much like her own, but different. 

The force of which she came through the window led her to lose her balance and go tumbling right into the first poor bystander she came into contact with, a medium height woman who must have been about her age, early to mid twenties, with above the shoulder red curls.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" She exclaims to the woman, who was adjusting her round glasses and picking up the stray papers that scattered around her.

Marisa had never seen anyone like her, she looked important and like she had a job she loved…

' _impossible_ ' she thinks shortly, she was a woman. 

"The apologises are mine Ms, are you alright?" She had an accent that Marisa couldn't place but it suited her very much.

"I- uh no?" She was about to reply with an impertinent 'I'm fine' but then it hit her, she was all alone and in an unfamiliar world. She needed allies. 

"My golly you're really not are you! Where are your shoes? You're shivering!" The other woman half exclaimed half asked, not giving Marisa the chance to answer her questions, even if they were rhetorics, she didn't seem as if she was trying to pry, just as if she was curious by nature.

"I… could we perhaps go somewhere? I've had a rough journey and I'm in desperate need for some warmth. I'll explain everything after that." She looks up, using the expression she brought out to charm the males scholars back home. 

Mary looked at this woman on the pavement, intrigued. Who was she? Where had she come from? She tried to push the thought from her mind but she couldn't help thinking this was the Lord's way of showing her she'd made the right choice to leave the covenant. 

"Oh my of course, I was just heading home. It's not far from here, can you walk?" She asked gently. The brunette scoffs but in a delicate way.

"I think so, could you hold her?" It was only then Mary noticed the child. This added another layer of shock to this mystery woman's situation. 

"I- of course, does she have a name?" She scoops up the little blanket to find a beautiful baby looking up at her with bright blue eyes 

"Lyra."

When she was stood up the other woman replied and looked at her with a smile "I think I can walk, I'm not hurt terribly." She seemed like she was masking a little especially as she took her first couple steps on the gravel but Mary's house wasn't far and then she could help her fully. 

***

' _Who lines floors with sharp stone_?' Marisa thought irritable as she walked, maybe this place wasn't as safe as she thought.

In reality the pain in her feet wasn't all bad, she'd had worse. She was just momentary disappointed in this world that she had regarded as her safe haven. She looked at the red haired woman in front of her, she seemed kindly a little inquisitive but not pushy and there was something in her eyes that made it look like she was also running from something. The house wasn't far at all and as soon as she entered something about it made Marisa feel safe. She looks at her daughter in her arms with a smile 

"we're safe darling, don't worry I'll protect you. Always." She whispers the promise and she intends to keep it. 

"There's a bathroom upstairs, I'll grab you some towels and see if I can find you something clean to wear. I'll watch the little one, don't worry." 

Marisa looked down, her clothes weren't that dirty and she certainly didn't want to wear anything that this woman could possibly own, their fashion sense was on very different sides of the spectrum, she noted as she looked at the top and blue, corse looking trousers the other woman had on and compared them to her linen two piece dress suit, but she was so cold a warm bath, or whatever the custom washing station was here, would be nice. 

While the dark haired woman was in the bathroom, Mary set out making her spare room child safe, after all the woman had been through she suspected she'd want her baby close. Lyra had been placed in a baby car seat that was left here by Mary's older sister and she was playing with the hanging toys. This was convenient as it meant she was not a direct concern of Mary's but also she could rest if need be. She ought to get a name for the woman as soon as she's downstairs, she couldn't keep mentally referring to her as 'mystery woman' or 'brunette woman'. She lays out some of clothes she hopes will fit, the other woman was at least three or maybe four inches taller than her but they would have to do. She knocks softly on the door 

"I've set up a room for you, second door to the right." She calls. 

  
  


Marisa stared at the glass cube room for a multitude of seconds before she figured out how it worked, the red and blue knob was for heat and the silver for water, it was fascinating! Now washed and warm she sat on the stool outside the glass cube and towel dried her hair as a knock was tapped on the door.

"I've set up a room for you, second door to the right." Is called out as she replies with "thank you!" 

As she goes to find this room, touched by the kindness of this stranger. Dressed in, tighter than she'd have liked, black trousers and a red jumper that fit loosely and comfortable on her shoulders she looked at herself in the gilt mirror, she looked more like she belonged here but she couldn't have felt more opposite if she tried. Sighing she padded back down the stairs feeling like an alien among the 'people'. 

She found her way to the room where the red haired woman was, a 'living room' she called it and sat down next to where Lyra was laid in a black chair.

"Well they're a better fit than I expected, sorry about the leggings, I saw the eyes you were making at my Jean's earlier." The other woman says giving her a quick up and down look.

Marisa gave the woman's attire another small glare before changing the topic.

" Yes, they fit comfortably. I'm guessing you have a mountain of questions?" She says with a raised brow.

"Well women don't tend to come out of nowhere and fall on me, no but let's start with introductions first?" The woman says with a smile as Marisa laughs. 

"I'm Marisa, Marisa Coulter- I guess? And you?" As she spoke she realised, she didn't need to be Marisa Coulter anymore but it was more natural to her than her maiden name. 

"Guess we'll unpack that in a minute, Mary, Mary Malone." Mary replied holding out her hand, they shook.

"Where's my bag?" Marisa asks, feeling a twinge of separation pains.

"Here." Mary replies, handing it to her, relieving all the pain.

"I'm going to tell you my story, or as much of it I can and not bore you, you have to trust me. I know you've only just met me and have no reason to but it's complicated and some it it you may find confusing." The brunette talks and Mary feels her head bobbing along, cautiously. " As I said I'm Marisa Coulter, that name may mean nothing here but where I'm from I'm the most successful female scholar from Jordan collage in Oxford. The only successful female scholar." She stops as she senses the other woman's want to interject. 

"There is no Jordan collage in Oxford, this is Oxford." Mary says feeling a sudden wave of stupidity. 

"Not this Oxford… what do you know about parallel worlds and dust?" Marisa asks, trying to explain. 

"Dust? I don't think we're thinking of the same thing." Mary replies. 

"Dust is particles that make up the universe that we cannot see." It clicks for Mary. 

"Dark matter? You know about dark matter… or your dust." She was sceptical at first but she was suddenly certain whatever this woman says is true.

"Yes, it affects us differently where I'm from, gives us our daemon." She opens her bag and a golden snub nosed monkey comes out and sits on the floor.

"Daemon?" Mary asks, again thinking biblically and how she cannot seem to escape her past. 

"Part of our souls… part of us." It was weird saying this Marisa had never got on with her daemon but that's because hating her daemon was a way of hating herself. "If it gets hurt, we get hurt… if it dies we do too." Mary was intrigued. "I travelled here from my world through a window, I had been running previously and so when I fell into you it was when I first entered this Oxford." For a scientist this was groundbreaking.

"What were you running from, may I ask? If that's not all too personal?" She says. 

"The Magisterium, uh my world's corrupt government that acts on faith and ignorance to the known. I was married…" she smiles, but not for the reason Mary thinks, she was smiling from being freed from the marriage, not the fact she had been married. " but I had an affair and then I was widowed and Lyra's father took her away from me but I got her back. My world isn't as… progressive as yours when it comes to women." She says sheepishly. She had been through so much, and Mary guessed that wasn't even half of it, just what led her here. 

"Does the little guy eat? Does he have a name? Do I need some sort of monkey enclosure?" The last part was a joke but only by a half. 

"No the 'monkey' isn't quite a pet, he doesn't need looking after and he had a name… it's been a while since I used it." She looks distantly as if trying to remember 

"Ozymandias'' she says softly. 

"King of kings." Mary replies, taking a sip of the cold tea she had forgotten about while listening. 

"Tell me about you now, please? It'll make me feel better for all the taking I've just done." Her big blue eyes find Mary's and they both share some sort of understanding. 

"I'm a Physicist, I work in the field of 'dust', I'm from northern Ireland, I used to be a nun, but I left because I stopped believing in the faith, or I thought I did. I graduated top of my class at university and am on my way to a doctorate? I live alone? Well I guess I don't anymore-" her ramblings had left a look of heartbreak on Marisa's face. "What did I say? Did I put my foot in it somewhere?" She asks comfortingly.

"Did you wh- no it's just you can get a doctorate, you were able to graduate top of a class without letting a man take your credit! If only I could do that." She thinks of the potential she has right now, fresh and ready to take on the world but she couldn't do it back home and she didn't want to impose her staying on this kind woman. 

"You could, now you can refuse if I'm being presumptuous but you could work within my field, if you're taught the right lingo you'd make an excellent addition to any lab." She couldn't read the other woman's expression, it was happy and sad and lost all at the same time.

"Maybe I could work in your lab?" She suggests half joking. 

"Easy tiger you've just moved in'' Mary chuckles back. 

But it was clear to both of them that would be the end result. Marisa smiles, she'd done it! She had gotten far away from her troubles, she had kept Lyra safe and she had found a friend and a home all in the same day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
> I recently rewatched the HDM series and I had this idea so I thought I'd write it out. I've never written for these characters before so sorry if its rusty but I hope you enjoy it anyway! Please tell me if you want futher chapters :)  
> Thank you so much for reading!  
> \- Deni❤


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DOMESTIC FLUFF! DOMESTIC FLUFF! DOMESTIC FLUFF! 
> 
> I really wanted just a cute fluffy chapter so here it is.

Mary awoke to the sounds of crashing and soft cursing coming from her kitchen.

_ 'Is it too late now to back out on having a roommate? _ '

She thought drowsily as she rolled out of bed. She runs a comb roughly through her matted curls and gets dressed in a button up and black jeans, she wouldn't usually do this before going downstairs, then again she didn't usually have company. She was surprised when she got to the kitchen to find that it was in fact rather calm, Maria was standing at one of the counters reading a cookbook and mixing ingredients as she hummed to herself but there was a smell of burning in the air that gave away the fact it had taken her more than one try to get to this point. 

"This is a nice surprise." Mary says softly, announcing her presence in the room. 

The brunette jumps "I wasn't expecting you to be up yet." She says a blush creeping on her cheeks. 

' _ She looks pretty with a bit of colour in her cheeks, she looks happier. _ ' 

Mary thought as she looks at the other woman, not to say she wasn't obviously a very attractive woman, she just couldn't help thinking what a difference a day had made.

"You were making enough noise to wake the dead!" The scientist replies with a little laugh.

Marisa's eyes go wide and Mary panics "it's an expression, you can't actually wake the dead." She explains. Then she goes sit and play with Lyra, deciding Marisa was capable enough to not need her help, if she did need anything she was close enough to help. 

"Mary? Where do I find your cutlery?" Marisa asks, breaking the silence. 

"Second draw to the right!" She replies through the silly faces she's making to make the baby smile. 

Smells of egg and seasoning were high in the air, Mary decided that the brunette was probably making an omelette, or something like that, she wasn't entirely sure if they had omelettes in the other woman's Oxford. 

"Breakfast is served!" Marisa called and Mary picked Lyra up and went into the kitchen. 

"Smells lovely, doesn't it Lyra? Yes it does! Yes it does!" She says rocking her gently. To this Marisa smiles, Lyra was going to be okay. They were both going to be okay. 

"Well let's eat… before it gets cold." She wouldn't admit it out loud but she was nervous, cooking was never her strong point and the 'stove' had scared her but she was an excellent student and was used to self teaching, so hopefully it would be okay. 

"Oh my this is amazing! Well I'm definitely keeping you around if you can cook this well!" Mary says, slightly muffled, through her mouthful. 

"It's nothing really, my way of thanking you." Marisa replies modestly, she usually liked to be praised, longed for it, but the way the other woman gave her praise? It was as if she truly meant it. That was the feeling that was so alien. 

"I think we should probably go shopping today, get you some proper clothes and some essentials for little Lyra here, how does that sound?" Mary asks, Lyra desperately needed things like baby foods and clothes and Marisa was still wearing the outfit she gave her last night.

"I- I didn't think to bring any money, you probably have a different currency all together…. how could I not think of that? Asriel was right… I'm not cut out for this." As she spoke her eyes brimmed with tears. She had been so confident, so proud and so stupid! 

"Hey none of that! Look I'll pay for what you need and when you're settled and back on your feet, you can pay me back. As for this Asriel fellow, he obviously doesn't see you for who you are. A strong capable woman. A mother. A fighter." Mary jumps up from her seat and rests a hand on the other woman's shoulder in a comforting way. 

"You're too kind to me. I'm- I'm sorry I got you involved in my mess." 

All her life she'd had to be so strong, weakness was frowned upon, her parents taught her that in their own sick and twisted way, she had to adapt, she had to be faster, smarter and stronger than the men around her, she was a woman in a man's world and so she had to fight smarter not harder but here there was not sign of that, there was something about this world, no not even this world, this house, this woman, made her feel safe. 

Mary realises her hand is still on the seated woman's shoulder, she gives it a squeeze and then moves her hand. She didn't want to make the woman think she was insinuating something, it would be far too soon for that even by a lesbian standard! 

"How about I go ahead and go shopping and you have the day here, to adjust? Maybe you could watch tv? The news 'll help you understand what happens in my Oxford." 

"The moving picture box… that sounds nice, as long as you're sure you don't mind? Make sure to get the exact price for the items, I will be paying you back." She moves to wash the plates up. 

Mary chuckles, they didn't have receipts where the brunette came from but she could figure out a stove and a television? She really was something. After explaining the 'box' and its remote Mary said she would be back in an hour and a half and said she'd have to buy Marisa a 'phone'. 

As the red haired woman leaves Marisa finds herself sat on the big cushioned chair in the centre of the living room, lyra in her arms and, for the first time in a while, Ozy snuggled up on her lap as she watches the moving pictures of a pretty, blonde woman in a suit announced what was happening in this world. Her new world. Where a woman could announce important news, publish papers and even lead countries without being short credited by a man. A place for Lyra to grow and thrive. A place she could belong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've changed a lot of things about the canon and about Marisa in this story but I do genuinely think she would be able to learn and adapt to the modern world quite easily. Sorry this chapter is a little short I'll try keep them long.  
> As always tell me what you think and thank you for reading  
> \- Deni 💓


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary decides to give Marisa a tour of the lab but before that and they both confront the fast feelings they are having for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick little note 
> 
> I made a playlist that was originally for when I was writing this but I decided I'd share it with you so you can listen when you read. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SoEGSj43KtpCvldy1P9Rz?si=FYSvmvKyToKHNhRV3OZYRw
> 
> Enjoy❤

Marisa looked at the pair of jeans in her hands, they were a dark blue and would go nicely with one of the turtleneck jumpers Mary had bought her, she had been here for two weeks and had finally decided to try them. 

"Okay, stop looking at me like that! I'll put them on!" She says to her golden monkey as he looks at her.

She had to admit they felt nicer in than she had imagined.

"Marisa?" Mary's voice called from the other side of the white door. 

"Come in!" She replied, she had paired the jeans with a black turtleneck and she was looking in the mirror critically. 

Mary opened the door and felt her cheeks warm. 

_ 'She looks so pretty… she's wearing the jeans.'  _

"You look lovely, ready for a day at the office?" She asks cheerfully. They had come to the mutual agreement that Marisa needed a job, and with no viable qualifications to her name, Mary had decided she should probably work at the lab with her… after all she probably had some useful insights on dust. So they were going today for an hour or two and then her sister was coming round to discuss babysitting Lyra for the couple hours a day her mum would be working. 

"Do I look professional enough? Will your male coworkers respect me?" She still hadn't quite been able to shift the seeking of male approval from her mind. 

"Of course they'll respect you, you know what you talking about and you look sort of intimidating? In a way… a nice way." Mary stumbles "and anyway it's only me and Oliver half the time and I'm sure he'll love you!" She adds encouragingly. She had learned quite quickly that Marisa was much more fragile than she looked and it made the woman have all the more respect for her. 

"You think I'm intimidating?" 

"No! You just look it, you've got this look in your eyes that makes it seem like you have this burning rage within you… and I mean most people find pretty and intelligent women intimidating…" Mary says quickly, as if trying to explain.

Marisa smiled at this, thinking about how the redhead had just called her 'pretty'. She feels her monkey purr next to her and shoots him a look, she did not need him exposing her. 

"Aww the little guys purring!" Mary seemed none the wiser to what that meant, Marisa was more than thankful for that. 

"Does he show your deepest emotions? Like the ones you wouldn't want to show? Is that why he's purring?" Mary asks, suddenly coming to a realisation. 

Marisa had underestimated her, massively. 

"Yes… in a way." Marisa replies more bluntly than she intended, she didn't want to give anything away. She clips Lyra into the travel seat . "We should get to the lab, I want to spend at least an hour there… and your sister comes at two." She adds, thinking she'd avoided the topic smoothly. 

"Okay." Mary replies, understanding the other woman was obviously not ready to discuss whatever that meant. 

So they got in the car and Mary turned around to put Ozy's seatbelt on. He brushes his head against her hand and Marisa shivers at the feeling.

_ 'Sneaky monkey' _ she grumbles internally. 

Mary stokes his head again, wanting to test the waters. The brunette makes a pleasant sound, like a sound of release, as if she was finally embracing her humanity and the feelings that had built up inside her. She had to admit it felt nice to be touched,even if it was not directly. Mary smiles and turns back as if blissfully unaware of what she had done. 

The rest of the drive was quiet but nicely so, both women had a lot to think about. 

****

"Mary, your back! Ooh and you've bought the mystery woman!" Oliver says as soon as he sees his colleague walk in with the most beautiful woman trailing behind her, she looked so… mysterious, her hair was like waves of dark chocolate that framed her pale face, her eyes were so blue he thought they might glow in the dark like cats. She had strong cheekbones and pouty lips and he decided right then and there that if Mary didn't ask her out soon, he would simply have to. 

"Hi I'm, Marisa." She says in such a way he guessed he must have been staring. 

"Oliver, sorry we don't get visitors often… especially not ones like you." He says dreamily. 

"Like me?"

"He means we don't usually have people who know about dark matter- dust." Mary cuts in throwing her colleague a look that he only assumed was a warning that she liked this one and he wasn't allowed her. 

"Dust?" He asks confused.

"What they called Dark Matter where I'm from." Marisa replies. 

Where's that?" 

"Oxford."

This had to be some sort of joke? 

"Not this Oxford." Mary says as if she could see what he was thinking, then again he guessed she'd already had this conversation. 

  
  


Two cups of tea, a coffee and a lot of conversation later Marisa looked at the man on the other side of the table with curious caution. "Wow that's… fascinating." 

He smiles at her and her instincts tell her he's being friendly but she gets up quickly and moves to look at the research anyway. 

The grasp these people had was good… but not perfect. "Mary? Could you come here a second?" She asks suddenly. 

"Yes… uh sure." The other woman moves to her feet clumsily and walks over to the brunette. 

"What does this say?"

"Is the matter conscious? It is dead particles? Where could it lead us? Where is it strongest?" 

"Do you have answers to these questions?" Marisa asks with an arched brow. 

"Uh… well no,not yet." Mary shifts uncomfortably under the other woman's critical gaze.

"Well write this down." 

She waits for the other woman to be ready. 

"Yes dust is conscious, we found that out back in the labs back home… the particles are very much alive and some can even communicate with them. They allow you to travel worlds and they are most prominent in my world in children… Was that helpful?" Marisa is suddenly filled with the fear she may have overstepped. 

Mary looked at her awestruck "I- that is the best bit of research we have ever had! Oh my! Marisa I could just kiss you!" She exclaims like an excited child with a new toy. 

"I wouldn't be disagreeable to the idea." The brunette mutters and the other woman blushes a brilliant red. 

"Wh- what was that?" She asks, not that she didn't hear, she was just shocked.

" I said I wouldn't mind the idea, although I think you heard me perfectly well." Marisa says with a smile that, to Mary, looked suggestive. 

"I-" Mary cannot find the words,instead she moves to close the gap between the brunette and herself. The location wasn't ideal and far from romantic but she didn't care for that right now. They're lips touched and she felt Marisa's hand on her neck, hers twisted in her hair and they kissed and Mary had to admit it was the best kiss of her life. 

"I-" she starts 

"Wow" Marisa agrees.

Oliver coughs "I hate to ruin the moment but you're going to be late for your sister." She says grinning at the redhead. 

Mary smiles "best get home then." 

"Yes let's do that." Marisa agreed and Ozy purred and purred in agreement. They arrived as friends but they would return as something just beyond that. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> Quick question.  
> Do monkeys purr? I do not know but goblin bastard is that dramatic I feel like he taught himself to purr. Also please tell me if this chapter moved too fast! I'm sorry I got impatient! I really want to have a nice pace for this story but I also want to write romantic fluff! I'm torn🤣 As always tell me what you think and thank you so much for reading
> 
> \- Deni ❤


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... I spent ages trying to figure out what to do with this story and I'm so sorry!

Or so Mary thought...

They'd spent the evening with Mary's sister laughing and smiling but Mary could tell something about Marisa was off.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes"

Lie

Mary had decided that it must be her fault. Had she moved too fast? Was the brunette regretting the kiss? Did she not actually like her like that? She kept silent, letting her paranoia drown her and hoping she was wrong.

She wasn't.

Marisa could tell what the other woman was thinking, just by looking at her face, she had this expression like broken glass and eyes that were murky with confusion.

She was going to flee, Mary knew it. Her heart sunk in her chest, all these years she'd been told she was undeserving of love because of who she chose to love and finally, finally she thought she'd found it but it seemed as if that wasn't the case, that's what she gets for falling too quickly.

Marisa's pulse raced, she didn't know this feeling, this feeling of complete safety and that scared her more than anything she had ever endured . So she'd do the one thing she knew how to, she'd flee. She'd go back home and never look back. That's what she convinced herself. It would all be fine, she'd convince the Magisterium that she had left against her will, been taken even, and join back into their ranks. It wasn't what she wanted, not at all and the worst part of this, of Marisa's intense self hatred was that it meant giving Lyra away, this broke her heart most but she knew Asriel would find her a good home, that was the only thing she was sure about.

"I need- I should leave, I'm sorry. I've overstepped and abused your kindness."

"You don't have to leave…. You could stay."

"I- I shouldn't…. I've been here too long, earlier… was a mistake, I'm sorry."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"I know… but I must."

Marisa looked down, embarrassment seeping into her expression, she hated this.

"So you're just going to go back to a place where your talents are underappreciated and you're treated like dirt? Is that really the life you want for yourself? For Lyra?" Mary didn't want to get angry, she understood why Marisa felt the need to flee but she found herself flooded with emotion.

"No of course not… but it's how things must be, Lyra will be better off without me." Every word broke her heart more until it was sharp shards in her chest. She would never be able to see Lyra after she dropped her with Asriel, once she saw her again she knew she wouldn't stop until she had her and that scared her.

"Marisa-"

"Stop, please. I have to go… now."

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I… I wouldn't wait on it."

"I really misread this, I'm sorry."

"No… I… listen, you didn't misread anything but you deserve better than me. I'm not the woman you think of me."

"Never fall for the cold ones." Mary utters sounding betrayed.

Marisa didn't blame her, not one bit. She ran up the stairs, changed back into the clothes she went through the window in and picked up her daughter.

"Mary?" She says suddenly

"Yes?" The other woman replies hopefully

"Forget you ever met me, but use what I told you in your research, it'll be my way of saying sorry."

"Ah yes information from a source who doesn't exist."

"Keep me anonymous."

And with that she left through the door, leaving the night breeze to wrap itself around Mary as the emptiness filtered through her motionless body. She closed the door finally, cursing herself generously as she walked back upstairs, her whole experience with Marisa Coulter had been quick and strange so it figured that it ended as such but she didn't expect this.

'Forget you ever met me.'

Those words seemed to ring through the empty room. Mary looked into the empty space "no I won't forget you" she says stubbornly as she walks into her spare room, Marisa had tidied the space and left little notes where she hadn't, in her neat and swirly hand. Each new note made the tightness in her chest more prominent. "No I won't forget you!" She says aloud, grabbing some paper and a pencil. She would do the exact opposite, she would draw the brunnette just as she had been that first evening, that first time Mary had seen her happy, in that red jumper and leggings, a smile plastered on her face.  
She'd keep this drawing in her office... just incase the mystery woman returned. 

"I'll never forget you." She says again, much softer than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke my own heart with this and I apologise but I was at a loose end and I decided that I wanted to move more into canon with the next chapter. I know this wasn't the original plan but who knows? Maybe it will all work out or maybe I have no idea what I'm doing?  
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed reading and again I'm so sorry! 
> 
> -
> 
> Deni💓


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary gets a visit from two familiar strangers

*about thirteen years later*

Mary was sitting behind her blind on the windowsill of her office, admiring the view, when she heard someone come in.

'Probably Oliver.' She thought with a sigh.

"Hello?" A small voice called, a feminine voice, not one that belonged to Oliver at all. Finally Mary moves her head to see the owner of the voice, a young girl who was anywhere between twelve and fifteen. There was something oddly familiar about her facial structure, she had high set cheekbones and an elegant nose.

"Hi there, can I help you?" Mary asks with a smile.

"Yes, do you know where I could find the physicist?" The girl asks looking around.

"That'd be me." Mary smiles again, in a comforting way, something about this girl seemed so familiar and yet she couldn't figure out why.

"Realy?" She asks and then, upon seeing Mary's confused look adds "oh I'm sorry, it's just… where I'm from women are really allowed to be scientists…"

"Ah I see… I'm Dr Mary Malone, what can I do for you." This was all so familiar and Mary didn't like it.

"I'm Lyra… Lyra B- Silvertongue and I need your help. What do you know about dust?"

'Lyra? Like Marisa's Lyra? No it can't be! Did she just say dust? Oh my!' Mary's mind raced.

"Of course, but first where is your mum… or dad? Will they not mind you being here all alone?" This was Mary's subtle way of seeing if she could find out if this was her Lyra or if Lyra was just a popular name where she was from.

"I- I'm on the run from my mother… she's pure evil and as for my father…. He murdered my best friend, so it's just me right now." Lyra answers honestly.

"Pure evil?" Mary hoped this wasn't Marisa's Lyra.

Lyra explains what had happened to her to lead her here and watches as the woman's face changes. She wasn't sure why but there was something about Dr Malone that made her trust her.

"She's been killing children?" out of all the things this poor girl had told her, this poor girl that was once a little baby, wrapped in a cotton blanket in Marisa's arms.

"Yes… to use for experiments. As if they're disposable."

Mary didn't want to but she found herself sympathising with Marisa…. Not because she still had feelings for her, it had been thirteen years,.but because as a scientist she could understand, barely.

"I'm so sorry." The scientist says looking away, a small part of her felt like this was all her fault, no not a small part at all it was rather large and growing. If only she'd tried harder to stop Marisa from leaving.

Lyra looks at her watch and then back up at Mary.

"I have to go. I'll be back, tomorrow?" She says

"Tomorrow sounds perfect." She answers as she gets up to walk the girl out.

***

"What do you mean, you had her, had implies that you no longer have her and therefore are wasting my time, Carlos." Marisa says in the cold tone she usually uses to talk to men.

"Marisa please-" Carlos Boreal starts before being cut off by Marisa's icy blue stare.

"Where is my daughter Carlos?" She says with a certain bite, she hated how he looked at her, like she was a piece of meat at the market, it made her feel sick.

"She is with a Mary Malone, apparently."

"M-Mary Malone?" Marisa stumbles on the name, he had to be mistaken.

"She runs a lab in town, it's so funny how the women in this world behave, they're so arrogant, I much prefer our ways." He says looking at her again, making her stomach turn.

"Do you find me arrogant, Carlos?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course not!" He replies, lying through his teeth. There really was nothing this man would do to try and own her.

"I'm going out." She says she needed a walk to try and clean the disgusting feeling off her skin. Oh how she would love nothing more than to show him exactly what it would be like to have her, he'd have not the faintest idea what to do with her and she could wrap him around her little finger even more, but she needed him as an ally.

**

Mary sat at her desk, tapping her black biro on the table and trying to think of anything but Marisa Coulter.

"Hey Malone? You know that thing called sleep? You need it, go home!" Oliver says jokingly,she throws one of the stuffed bears on her desk at him, an orange monkey, which he dodges skillfully before walking off chuckling.

"What a pretty monkey." Mary's blood goes cold, the voice sounded colder but she knew it instantly. She doesn't turn around.

Marisa..." she says slowly, trying to wrap her head around what is happening.

M- Miss Malone." She was keeping this impersonal, this made a lump form in the redheads throat.

"It's Doctor!" She snaps in such a way it shocks her.

"You got your doctorate! Well done!"

Mary's chair turns and there she was, the tall brunette with the bright blue eyes who felt like a distant memory. She was wearing a black two piece suit and a deep pink shirt, in one hand she had the stuffed monkey and the other a packet of chocolate digestive biscuits. She had a radiant and real smile on her face, as if she were actually proud. Mary’s heart beat as if it would never do so again, it had been so long and yet here she was looking exactly as he had

"You brought biscuits?" Mary asks, confusion pinching her voice.

"Yours are always stale."

She remembered? Mary felt a twinge of comfort in that.

"If half the things Lyra told me are true, I should turn you away and tell you never to come back."

"You spoke to Lyra about me..." she looks away sadly.

"Yes, I did..." Mary didn't know what to say, she wasn't one to hold a grudge but half of her wanted to push the other woman away and the other half wanted to show her she still cared. The latter half won.

"Look Mar, I'm not going to say I understand fully what you've been doing, I don't but maybe you could explain? Over a brew?" Mary asks her eyes, meeting the other woman's to show she's being genuine.

"Good to know your caffeine addiction hasn't changed." She laughs, a real laugh.

"I don't have a caffeine addiction." Mary said rather bluntly, implying she is still hurt. She had tried to hide it, just happy to see Mar again but there was no denying how the last few years had affected her.

There is an awkward silence that seems to last forever, each woman scared to move, as if scared to offend the other because, as much as they'd prefer to hide it. Thirteen years hadn't changed a thing about how they felt for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm sorry! I have no idea where I'm going with this. If your enjoying it or want me to continue please say! I know I say that a lot but comments  
> And construction criticisms are very much appreciated :)
> 
> Thanks for reading 
> 
> -  
> Deni ♡


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